Nov 8, 2009

Buckle up, Granny.



I wasn't kidding, it will be mine. OH YES, IT WILL BE MINE.

"Bugatti’s main achievement was making a car that weighs nearly 4,400 pounds — 1,100 more than a Corvette or Porsche 911 — accelerate and handle so well. The second achievement, and no small feat, is how a midengine exotic with more power than a Formula One racer manages to feel comfortable and pliable even in city traffic. With just a little instruction, your grandmother could drive this car at 150 m.p.h. while knitting a Nomex racing suit."

In fact, I'm already driving it in that Valhalla of a parallel universe where people don't answer cell phones in theatres and no one gets into an express lane with more than 10 items.

Nov 6, 2009

Bird-Related Accident Suggests the Large Hadron Collider Really Is Doomed



Genius comment of the week @twophrasebark here on i09:



MESSAGE FROM FUTURE

Yes, we have been trying to keep you from starting up the [Large Hadron Collider]. It's not what happens back then that's the problem. It's what happens in the year 2733. Every time you guys try to turn on that thing all our garage doors start going up and down. Please stop!!

Sep 11, 2009

Today's entry from the Dept of Old But Still Funny

Q: How many graphic designers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: A lightbulb? Does it have to be a lightbulb? Can we go with a candle, maybe with a flickering light? Or a lantern? Why do we have to go with a lightbulb? I was thinking more along the lines of an open road, with clouds and a desertscape. Who came up with this crappy lightbulb idea? It was marketing, wasn't it?

(seen most recently on Crazy Aunt Purl)

Glenn Beck's "deep-seated hatred" of Obama and why Fox News won't budge

Glenn Beck's "deep-seated hatred" of Obama and why Fox News won't budge

"Let's be honest, Beck's show is a bit like watching NASCAR. Sure, a lot of people tune in for the race, but there's a healthy chunk of the audience just waiting for a crash."



Posted using ShareThis

AWKward.

Sep 9, 2009

Sep 1, 2009

My thoughts on the new Madonna video. Let me show you them.

"Celebration". I loves me some Madge, people, but prepare for some bashing. To pop & lock at 51 is impressive, sure, but let's do the real math here:

Madonna + Actual Boy Toy + Danceteria rejects + crotch grabs (seriously? this again?) = Madonna 9.0: Electric Boogaloo.

And lo, it hath come to pass: Madonna is repeating herself. Unlike other, um, seasoned personalities (oh hell, we're all older than Sanskrit at this point, just keep sucking your prune juice through that bendy straw and move along) who've never tried to be anything other than who they are, Madonna has constructed an entire career out of constantly reinventing herself with fabulous results. (Shhhhhhh. It's out of the aforementioned love that we choose to forgive & forget "Who's That Girl?") But not this time.

Aside from serving as undeniable motivation to dust off the ThighMaster that's currently wrangling dust bunnies under your guest bed and actually, you know, USE IT -- this is a lame, oddly derivative video. Yes, I just called Madonna lame. I will now sit quietly and wait for the Disco Ball of Dancefloor Justice to strike me dead. (Speaking of sparkles, Holy Shoulder Pads, Batman! That dress is quite possibly the worst thing she's ever tried to pull off, aside from Dennis Rodman.)

All of that being said...I love the song and seriously regret tainting it with the visual.

P.S. Dear Santa, if I'm very, very good this year and maybe lay off the gummi bears, can I have thighs like that?

Aug 28, 2009

"I shoved Agent Z into the oven...and took the evening off."

Dear Mum: I miss Liquid Television.



After 120 Minutes, it was the best reason to watch pre-craptacular MTV.

Along with Remote Control, now that I think about it. Current TV programming is sadly lacking in genius such as Brady Physics, Dead or Canadian, and Inside Ed McMahon.

Aug 26, 2009

"It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids."





File Under: They've Never Made Them Like They Used To

Seventy-five years later and the grand poobahs of screwball comedy have yet to be bested. I'm pretty sure it's because Hollywood is preoccupied with scatologically-oriented insults to our collective intelligence, but hey, if it plays in Peoria...oops, did I just get movie snob all over your Raisinets?

May 10, 2009

Another childhood memory trampled by Google.

Remember what it was like to go on a first date without already knowing a guy's complete history?

Yeah, me neither.

Apr 25, 2009

"What did you expect? Coffins and dungeons and moats? "

While visiting with my mother tonight, we're scrolling through the pay-per-view menu and before I can even comment on my choice, she flatly states, "No, we are not watching Twilight."

Fully aware of her low (read: non-existent) tolerance for cinematic blood and guts, I attempt to explain that it's not an actual vampire movie.

Before I can even get to the sparkly lulz, she cuts me off.

"It is too a vampire movie. I saw the promo where the girlfriend says 'I know what you are.' Then the vampire says 'Say it. Say it.'"

(Sadly, I have no video of the above so you, too, could enjoy the full range of her facial expressions.)

"Then some friend of his doesn't like her and says 'Thank you for bringing dessert.' "

Take a breather, Denby. Rest in peace, Siskel. My mom is on the case.

Apr 21, 2009

Plate o' shrimp.

- It's Jane's Addiction vs...Jane's Addiction. "Truly, if Trent Reznor is the guy doing your intervention, you know you've got some serious problems."

- The Observer hopes you're not going back to NASCAR this weekend.
He finds it even more boring in person than it is on TV.

- From the Musical Nostalgia Desk: X is taking requests for this year's tour playlists. (I somehow doubt being forced to play "Breathless" every night will make them any less cranky this time around, but I applaud the effort.) / "These go to eleven." / Watch out, Geithner: The Economist Formerly Known as Prince wants your job.

- From the You Knew It Was a Bad Idea at the Time But You Did It Anyway Desk: How do you get a drummer off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza. The Nashville Scene debunks the fun (cough Cough COUGH) of dating a musician. Perhaps this is where a selective memory wipe would really come in handy, eh?

- Let's go get sushi and not pay for it to celebrate the coolest news of the year: Repo Chick.

- Malls are dying. (The ones without Hot Topic stores, that is.)

- Speaking of Sparkle news (oh, shut up): SMeyer was responsible for 16% of all books sold in Q1. That's one author, 16% percent of ALL books, people. It ain't just tweens and their moms anymore. / Breaking Dawn on film? Not so fast, Sparkleson.

- ALERT ALERT ALERT - Hulu may show up on iPhones; expect all productivity to decline accordingly.

Mar 11, 2009

- Golly gee, kids! It turns out sci-fi has made significant contributions to our language through word-building. I totally frakking agree.

- In more geek news, Paste tries to bring an audience to the BSG series finale next week. I'm guessing if he hasn't yet, Your Average Viewer is not going to sign up at the end. Sigh. I'll be over in the corner crying into my Sagittaron Sling.

- From the Dept. of Relating a Little Too Much, Though Without the Crazy Eye and Forehead Staples: Sam Raimi Shows How The Recession Is Hitting Old Gypsies













- Google is on to you publicly now. And there is no escape.

- Best open caption winner of the week: Why Don't You Kids Go Take a Stroll Around the Publicity. I Mean Neighborhood.

- More news from the Sparkle Desk: my dog is also a front runner for the Eclipse director slot, even though Drew's hair shows the obvious horror chops.

- Speaking of my dog, note to self: No. More. Retractable. Leashes.

- US News says half of America is TWO paychecks away from economic disaster. Lucky bastards.

"Actually, you know, now that I say it out loud, it probably isn't the greatest idea. I'm spitballing."

Feb 20, 2009

If it was a committee of strippers, maybe he'd stand a chance.

- Just in time to soothe America's gastronomic woes: Kid Rock beer.

- At this point, all the jelly doughnuts in the world can't save Saturn.

- Just as Facebook hits the fogey zeitgeist and millions of grown-ups are left scratching their heads, Morford comes up with the perfect solution.

- Elmo gets his perv on.

- Muzak files for bankruptcy, dental hygienists and elevator operators forced to stop sleeping on the job.

- Joel Stein neatly sums up my objection to Facebook: "We have erased the distinction between a note left on the counter and a publishable work. We are blasting our notes to everyone we know and everyone they know, until we're just demographic slivers who know nothing except when we're each going to bed. We've used the world's most impressive technology to provide an entertainment last enjoyed by the Waltons."

- Putting a new spin on Atlanta traffic: 120 soda options will soon appear at your local grease trough.

- Come on, CERN - get crackin'.

- Praise be to dog.

ETA: ::dancing around in total agreement with yet another Facebook hit::

"Facebook status updates are the literary equivalent of inane cell-phone chatter, like when you're on Amtrak and the man in front of you can't stop talking loudly on his Bluetooth for one second, so you're stuck sitting behind him and have to listen to stuff like: "Hi, honey, I'm on Amtrak now. I'm sitting in my seat now. I'm taking off my coat now."

Feb 11, 2009

"You were just on the bus!"

Krugman vs. Greenspan

Feb 8, 2009

"Despite popular opinion, you really can't beat the truth out of someone."

- Yo, Congress! I want my $9,718.49 and I want it now.

- Behold the many, many, MANY ways the credit industry continues to prove its asshat-edness. Karma is coming for you, weenies.

- WARNING WARNING WARNING: Poodle sleeper cells have been activated. Hide your leaders.

- This should bring an entirely new (if slightly moldy) audience to Austen:


...with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action!

- ITA: MapQuest is the loser. "Google Maps is the best. True dat. Double True!"

- From NPR: Your Mother's Yearbook Called, And It Wants Its Hair Back

- From the Dept. of Meta: Follow TED via BusinessWeek tweets.

- If done correctly (read: it should bear no resemblance whatsoever to the craptastic third season), bring on a Veronica Mars movie.

- And finally, from the Sparkle Desk: avoid all DVD sales points on March 21. This is your first and only warning.

Jan 9, 2009

Sarah Palin: the gift that just keeps on giving.